Monday, October 31, 2005

Hello, Internetlings.

Amy claims that I haven't posted in so long that my audience is drying up. Like a raisin.
That is sad. Does it hurt to dry up like a raisin?

On Saturday, Amy & I embarked on a day-long adventure. A whole day of Amy-Kik togetherness. Frightening, no?
Our first stop was for haircuts. This was a rather thrilling, especially since Amy has had the same haircut since she was 16. That, my friends, is a VERY LONG TIME.

Amy lost all power to express an opinion once she sat down in the chair. Really. The hairstylist would ask her a question, and Amy would just look at me. Poor thing. I was hoping that cutting off her hair wasn't tantamount to cutting off her entire personality. Fortunately, toward the end of the haircut, Amy found her voice. I really was worried that I might have to spend the remainder of my life speaking for her...

I don't think her hair is quite as short as she wanted it, but it is definitely a start. I think it is cute (which we ALL know is the most important thing). She has been running around since Saturday morning saying, "I am a short hair. See my short hair?" She is excitable, that one.

After that little adventure, it was off to Target to buy the remaining items for our Halloween costumes. Amy and I went as our alter egos. Which translates into: I went as a girl. She went as a boy. I haven't had that much fun dressing up in a long time. Make-up, fun hairstyle, an absolutely yummy hair color... Ahhh.... it is enjoyable to be a girl (every once in a while). It is funny how just a few changes can make you feel much more confident, much sexier. And it is somewhat shocking how adorable Amy looks in a tie. Good times. Good times.

On Sunday, Michelle, Amy & I headed down to Rick's On The River. Beer was had by all. Michelle and I chatted incessantly. Amy finally wandered off to play a game with strangers (I think the endless chattering was on her nerves). Ames went home after we left Rick's. I followed Chelle home for ... yep... more chatting on her front porch. We were rather enamored with each other, that Michelle girl and I. It was an incredibly relaxing, refreshing afternoon.

A rather lovely weekend, if I do say so myself.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up

Last Sunday, Amy had asked me to look for something that she had misplaced. This is a completely normal occurrence. And about 75% of the time, I know exactly where the object that she has lost forever is. On this occasion, my powers over lost objects prevailed once again, and I went to find Amy to let her know that I had found her medicine for her. I didn't want her to be stressed and flinging dirty laundry all over her room, trying to find something that I KNOW WASN'T IN HER ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

But I needn't have worried this time. She had given up and was in the shower. I dutifully knocked on the door, so that I could hand her the pill. She yelled at me to come in, which I did just as she was stepping out of the shower. Naked. Soaking wet. With a baseball cap on.

That, folks, is the best snapshot you will ever get of life with Amy Kellogg.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


My parents grilled Eggo waffles this morning, because they have no power due to Wilma.
Which leads me to wonder... Is breakfast REALLY the most important meal of the day?

I think I would rather have my Chex Mix.


Oh how I love the salty goodness that is Chex Snack Mix.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Excuse Me???

There is a woman that I have known over the years through work. She is an older woman, probably in her 70s. I can honestly say that I have begun to dread seeing her. It is not because she speaks at a volume that sears my eardrums. Or that she has hair the color of Chucky's. Or that she wants to kiss me on the cheek whenever she sees me. No, these things I could handle with relative ease compared to this...

The past two time I have seen her, she has said, "You look good, honey." Followed by, "You look fatter. How much weight have you gained?"

EXCUSE ME?!? Did you say that OUTLOUD?!? Did you just say I look FATTER? (string of profanity inserted here) WHO SAYS THAT?!?

Combine that with the fact that you can rest assured I REALIZE I have gained weight. And I am bothered by it.
AND today I felt especially... oh... well, let's just say it... CHUNKY. Did she HAVE to point out that it is THAT noticeable?

I would probably be really hurt and self-conscious, if I wasn't so enraged. (insert another string of profanity)

The audacity.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I Don't See You, Wilma....

In all seriousness. As if day to day life isn't hard enough. And then this. Hurricane. Again.

And after Katrina, you know everyone is freaking out. I am going to buy some canned food after work, but there probably won't even be any potted meat left for Michelle. She loves some potted meat. And water. What. if. there. is. no. water??????

I am not freaking out, really. I am just frustrated by the thought of waiting for impending doom. And I am sitting here at work and all anyone can talk about is this stupid hurricane. And I can't even do something pro-active and get prepared because... well... I AM AT WORK.

**Update: All the SUVs & minivans at Avis in Tampa have already been rented out. Can you sense the mass panic setting in?

So I guess I will go about my business today. Pretending as if the strongest hurricane in history isn't beating a path for Florida.

Maybe if I act like I don't see it, it won't see me.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Introduction. Then Boobs.

Amy and I decided to head over to Clearwater for the Jazz Festival yesterday. I have begun to absolutely love jazz. Like wine, it is rich, complex and colors your surroundings in a warm sort of glow. Needless to say, I was thrilled when I got home from church and Amy had already packed all the afternoon's necessities. Amy and I don't usually do things like listen to jazz in a park on Sunday afternoon. Until this point, we have been more the "chug some beer, chow down on pizza and watch Sunday afternoon football" girls. Yesterday was a refreshing adventure out of our comfort zone.

We found a nice spot of shade and lounged for a while, listening to the best high school jazz players from the area. The music was astoundingly good to have been played by high schoolers. The only downfall to this event was that, between bands, they played smooth jazz.... Amy and I kind of got glazed over and I think I almost slipped into a coma several times during the smooth jazz episodes.

As we were enduring Kenny G., a woman trekked up the grassy knoll with her two kids in tow. I didn't really notice the kids at first, just that they were little buggers and she was trying to spread out a blanket with two kids bouncing like crack monkeys next to her. I went over, helped her spread out the blanket and as I was on my hands and knees, her little girl grabbed the other corner, proudly declaring her helpfulness. Then, her little boy wanted to help. So we are all crouched down on the blanket face to face, which is kind of an odd moment for adults who don 't know each other. So, I started chatting with her little boy about his Nemo sandals and then scampered off to my own blanket.

No sooner had I sat down than the little girl comes barreling at me and slams her head between my boobs. And then curled up on my lap. I must have looked pretty started (I think her mom was too), because I heard from the other blanket, "WHAT are you DOING?" Not yelling at all. Just a plaintive plea for explanation. She runs back over to her mom, who whispers, "Did you at least INTRODUCE yourself?" Oh, that's how it goes? You introduce yourself BEFORE you slam yourself into someone's boobs?

So she dutifully bounded over and introduced herself. Isabella. She is four. I told her my name was Kendra and she looked at me like, "Are you KIDDING me with that name?" I think she tried to report back to her mom, but Kendra was just too weird for her to believe.

Turns out that her little brother's name is Fernando. He has the most edible, platinum blonde curls I have ever seen. Both of the kids just exude preciousness. By the end of the afternoon, we were sitting on Jennifer's blanket (Isa's mom) with them. Well, I was sitting with Jennifer, chatting away and petting Isabella's hair. Fernando was running away and making Amy chase him.

When it was time for us to part ways, I gave Jennifer my number and told her to call us. She is from up north and now lives in Lakeland (the cultural void is almost more than she can bear). And she looked like she had just seen Jesus when she realized Amy and I are lesbians. Do you know what happens when you give a sober person your number? They CALL you. Right away, so their number is in your phone. BRILLIANT.

So now we have a new friend. Well three new friends. Because it seems that Fernando's favorite part of yesterday was eating shrimp! (with enthusiasm, the way he says everything). And Isabella's favorite part was meeting Amy and Kendra.

Can you just see me melting?

Friday, October 14, 2005

Amazing, Really.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I am not particularly a morning person. But I usually maintain a relatively chipper demeanor. Today, however, I think an alien invaded my body. An angry alien. Who didn't think Amy was funny during the car ride to work. BAD ALIEN.

After Amy had escaped my scowls (only because I had dropped her off at her car by then), I decided it was the perfect time for a morning phone call to Betsy. Even as crappy as I was being, I wanted to talk to her. And you know what, she was not having the most fun-filled morning either. But we complained to each other (read: we ranted to each other about the woe and injustices in life). And, by the time we were finished with our conversation, I was laughing. Really laughing. Amazing. Really.

She is a ray of sunshine, my best friend. I am so very blessed to have her.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Christy brought "breast cancer bagels" in to work today. They are in the shape of a ribbon.
But, if you turn them sideways, they look like Jesus fish.

They made me smile.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Really, It's The Small Things...

As I slid into my still-relatively-new car this morning (my glorious car, which I love more than any car I have ever loved before), I noticed that I had left the passenger side window a fourth of the way down. I was enjoying the hint of Fall in the air last night and reveling in the wonder that I didn't have to run the air conditioner to be able to breathe. Ahhhhhhh.....

All of this would be fine, if our sprinklers were on a schedule I understood. They, in fact, are not. They seem to come on when the sprinkler gods deem it necessary. Not before. Not after. So, as I slid into my wonderfully new (and miraculously still dry car) I said thank you to the sprinkler gods for withholding the fury of the sprinklers. The sprinkler gods, they have blessed me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Reach Out & Touch Someone?

About a year ago, I made an attempt to get in touch with a good friend of mine from high school. He and I went to church youth group together and were very close for a while. Unfortunately, as my relationship with my then-boyfriend soured, so did my relationships with almost everyone in youth group. That was a big shock to me. I felt like the people I had trusted to love me unconditionally had turned their backs on me. Which is part of the reason it was easier for me to walk away from the church when I realized that I was a lesbian. I didn't want anything to do with those "followers of Christ" anyway. Why? They were no different from anyone else.

There were several things that I realize now, that I could not have realized then:
1) I was acting like a complete psychopath... which is part of the reason everyone distanced themselves from me.
2) High school kids can be mean, no matter who they are.
3) I had aligned myself with a very self-righteous group of folks who judged people relentlessly, based on their standards of Christianity.
4) Christianity is based on Christ and on a personal relationship with God. Other people can enhance that experience. But people are fallible and will eventually let you down.
5) I had to have a period of separtation and seeking before I could find my way back to Christianity. I am a stronger person for that. My faith is deeper. And it would have broken my heart to face the scorn of Christians when I came out, if I hadn't already spurned them first.

(Holy tangent... okay... back to my high school friend) The same friend that I tried to contact last year had actually gotten in touch with me about 5 years before that. He and his younger brother conference called me from Jacksonville. I ecstatic to hear from them. Until they offered to drive to Tallahassee and save me from the life of sin I had fallen into. HUH? I am sorry. You called me to tell me I am going to hell, if I don't' change my evil, lesbian ways?!? Thanks. I think I am better off on my own. (And, yes, this further alienated me from the Christians who were now calling my HOUSE to tell me I was going to hell)

Fast forward to a year ago. I had found a church I really liked, one that accepted me for who I am (lesbian and all). I passionately believe in the teachings of Christ regarding forgiveness. And I had a dream about this friend. The combination of all of these factors prompted me to Google said friend. In thirty seconds, I had his email address.

I took a very deep breath. My last run-in with him was not particularly pleasant for me. But he had been so important at one time in my life.... So, I sent him an email. One of those "Hello... are you so & so from high school?" It was, indeed, him. And he sounded thrilled to hear from me. I finally exhaled that deep breath I had taken hours before. And I returned his email. Gave him all the details of my life in Tampa (including that I was in a wonderful relationship with Amy). And I waited for a response. And waited. And waited. For a over a year. Nothing.

As I was cleaning out my Hotmail inbox the other day, I saw the original response he sent to me. I am not sure what prompted me to email him again. Maybe that he lives in Alabama, and I wanted to make sure that his family (including three little boys) made it through the hurricane alright. Maybe because I had YET ANOTHER dream about him last night. I truly don't know. But I did email him again.

And he emailed me RIGHT back. Within one hour. His response was short and to the point: I think about you all the time. I would love to talk to you. Please call.

You may ask yourself, "Self, what was her point in sharing this with me?" One of my primary objectives was to sort out my thoughts on this here blog. But, truthfully, I guess I just really want to know what you think about all of this. Because I simply don't know WHAT to think.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Pokey Family

Amy constantly taunts me for being pokey. She says that I move so slowly that I appear to be oozing from one place to another. I admit, I don't often get in a hurry. What's the rush?

The only time I have rushed anywhere in recent memory was Sunday morning. I left the house in plenty of time for church. But, of course, I had to try an alternate route in order to avoid those aggressive, hostile and out-right mean drivers on I-275. They fill me with rage, which no one really wants on an otherwise pleasant Sunday morning. So, although I left on time, I was STILL running late. (I swear, I can't seem to make it to church on time to save my life.... no matter which service I choose to go to, how little traffic there is, whether or not the planets are aligned... I am GOING to be late)

So, here I am, pulling into church three minutes late (even though I left in plenty of time). There is a bit more hustle to my step than usual because I AM LATE. Going up the walk is a cute little family with two elementary age kids. They are moseying (which means they are walking at my normal pace). The father asks the little boy to move over so the nice young lady can pass them. The mom looks at me and says, "Sorry, we are moseyers." I acknowledged that typically I would be moseying right along with them, except that I am ALWAYS late to church.

She looked at me and smiled. "It's okay, honey. He's just glad you are here."

She made my whole morning.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

GrumpyPANTS, GrumpyPANTS

Good Lord, have I been crabby lately. Since Monday. And I am not typically the moody one in my humble abode. So, when I get in a swivet, it REALLY throws things off.

What is worse it that I don't know what is WRONG with me. Everything seems to rub me the wrong way. A slightly off tone in someone's voice will completely get my panties in a wad. I am even irritating myself.

Things seemed to get off on a wrong note this week with the smiting. It has just been downhill since then. Part of my issue is that my favorite part of the day (the time when I get to sit quietly, read my Bible and reflect on life in general) was SERIOUSLY disrupted by the smiting. Smiting is not serene. Smiting makes me irritable.

Then, for some unknown reason, Amy and I have been rather out of sync this week, in terms of our moods. So, poor kid, she says something to me and I either immediately roll my eyes or look at her like I want to smite her. She hasn't done anything to prompt this. I just feel like she doesn't UNDERSTAND me this week. But, seriously, who would WANT to understand me right now? Anyone who could look at me right now and think, "Wow, I really get her," would need a psychiatric evaluation. Pronto.

So, that is me in a nutshell. C-r-a-n-k-y. And if you mess with me, I will poke you in the eye.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

SMITE! (part two)

Tonight, I get to discuss with my fellow Bible Study comrades the smiting that has been occurring in the last week's readings. There wasn't a lot of room for misstep in the first five books of the Bible or SMITE! In fact, I am pretty sure God wanted to smite EVERYBODY except Moses.

I mean, we did get some pretty solid rules in Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy. For instance, don't sleep with your sister. But we also got the don't eat shellfish command. We got the legendary decree: don't lie with a man as you do a woman. The Lord God abhors this. Then right after that: don't war garments of mixed material. Are you JOKING me? There are so many things God abhors in these three books that I can't begin to list them.

Many people use the Old Testament (and I believe one verse in the New Testament) to endorse bigotry and hatred toward gays & lesbians. Well, that is fine if they want to follow EVERY OTHER COMMAND OR DECREE in the Old Testament. You know what, I bet they don't.

Perhaps God should begin smiting people that don't use their God-given intelligence. You know what, never mind that. I will just be glad when the smiting is over.

Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

A traveling band of gypsies came by this morning. I sold Milo into slavery.
That's okay, right?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Oh With the Smiting....

Remember that crazy long Bible study I mentioned about a month back? Well, I feel compelled to share that--at this point in my reading--God is fond of smiting. If you break a decree... SMITE! If you disobey... SMITE! If you eat unclean food... SMITE! He is smiting Israelites, Cannanites, Ammitikites (I may have made that last one up... I am not sure). His anger is constantly burning against EVERYONE.

The smiting is really bringing me down folks. It's bringing me down.

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